Forward Motion

Have you noticed the thing in your life that you are a natural at? That thing that you are able to just do? I have been watching people all around me develop their gifts, those areas that they excel at. I watched with delight what they can be, do, and the things they create. And then jealously began to grow within me. I wanted something more. I wanted the richness I saw in the lives of these people who were doing what they were so obviously gifted at.

Over time, I have tried on other people's gifts. I did okay with some of them and was lousy with the rest. Okay and lousy is not the measure of my success in the event rather, the enjoyment and ease at which I had at the actual experience.

I know what I like to do. I always have. I like to move in a forward motion outside. Hiking, running, cycling, swimming, and walking. I get a natural high off of it. Even when it hurts like hell. I love it. Has it been fear or insecurity that has kept me from fully claiming this thing in my life? Or have I simply discounted physical motion as a gift?

So here I am. I like moving. I love where it takes me in all realms of my being. Now I'm going for it. Wanna come along?

enduring, a moment at a time

My heart is sad tonight. A friend learned she has a brain tumor. This lady has been a pillar of strength and endurance to me over the years. She is one of many, many people facing a battle... facing pain in their lives. Pain can look so different. But isn't it all the same?

I am sad that people have to experience any sort of pain in their life. At moments like this, when life just hurts, I tend to go do something. Usually, I choose work. It is my coping skill of choice. It is not healthy and does not allow me to process my feelings. But I have chosen it nonetheless over and over again.

I know that as I sink myself into the reality of the moment and experience the pain I will be moving in a much healthier direction. I just don't want to feel. Pain is scary.

History tells me that facing reality and enduring the pain is what brings about healing. So tonight I will sit in my sadness and ask for hope to come fill my being.

Disappointed at 3 1/2

I had about five conversations with Ava today that were all a version of this:

Ava: Can Ava have a popcicle?
Me: No, would you like an apple?
Ava: Can Ava have a lollypop?
Me: No, would you like some turkey?
Ava: Can Ava have cheetos?
Me: No, you need to eat something healthy.
Ava: Can Ava have chocolate milk?
Me: You can have an apple or some carrots.
Ava: Umm, how bout Ava has some popcicles?

Oh, the little looks of disappointment that flash over Ava's face when she doesn’t get what she wants... such a mixture of anger, frustration, and hope all mixed together and served as cute!

Goodbye Lies, Hello Truth

My ten year reunion is this year and I have this little battle going on in my head about whether I want to go or not. You see, I'm a perfectionist. Yes, that's right. I was diagnoised by lulliloo this afternoon while sitting around with friends explaining my excuses for not wanting to go to the reunion.

My excuse: People may view me as a failure. As someone who had potential but just fell short and missed it in some way.

This lie, that I have failed, is creating anxiety within me. Yes, I have made mistakes and will make more. My shit does stink. I will not deny it. But I am not a failure. In fact, I am confident that I have been anything but.

But why is it that I still allow myself to be intimidated by this lie? Why does the thought even linger within me?

Our society has fed me these Lies:

We only deserve respect if…
We are only valuable if...
We are only worthy if…

I’m feasted on these Lies and many others for years. Even gorged myself on them to the point that I have forgotten the Truth.

That Truth that we are loved even when our shit stinks.

I do not want to be a Perfectionist anymore. I do not want to be the one who raises the bar for others… that imaginary bar that keeps people from wanting to go to reunions and such.

Goodbye Lies.

Hello Truth.

I like starting new things so much that in June of 2006 I started a blog. And in January of 2008 I made my first blog entry! I am so adventurous.